“As soon as the news reached us, I picked up the phone to call Vladimir” stated Zelensky on Friday, “Fate has a funny way of working though, as just before I entered the last number, my phone started ringing, it was Vlad calling to share the grim news himself.”
The two leaders reportedly spoke for hours commiserating on this great loss to The World. They shed tears and laughter together recounting their favorite memories and insta-posts of Pete and Kim’s bygone days. Through this breakup the two leaders felt they better understood the schism that had led to their own conflict, and realized that to begin to heal, their nations would need to experience this as they had.
“In the end we both recognized that to truly allow our negations to feel the weight of this tragedy, they would need time without the distraction of war” announced Putin, a lone tear running down his face, “ we agreed to an international period of mourning and a nine day ceasefire to give our people the time they need to heal.”
Each of the nine days of mourning will acknowledge one of the nine months that Kim and Pete shared. During this time, Ukraine and Russia will both erect a three hundred foot statue of the couple, Russia will build Pete and Ukraine will erect Kim. On the morning of the ninth and final day, they will wheel these massive statues - poised to hold one another - to meet at the Russia - Ukrainian border. There at the stroke of midnight ending the final day, they will embrace one final time, and the war shall resume.
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